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Recluse Reveals Sun Does Not Warm Earth! |
By
Alan Caruba
This
week, in an exclusive interview with The Washington Pest, Artimis P. Archipelago,
a recluse and science nut who was tracked down at his home in Pony, Montana, reveals
the incredible result of his life's work. This reporter, having received his heavily
footnoted study, spoke to Archipeligo in a tiny, one room cabin in a State famed
for people who have labored long to bring the truth to the public.
Q.
Mr. Archipelago, could you explain, in layman's terms, just what your theory is?
A. It's not a theory you fascist bastard, it's a fact.
Q. Sorry.
A. The sun is not the source of heat for the earth.
Q. But, sir....
A. Let me finish you Eastern Elitist Pig.
Q. Sorry.
A. According to my calculations, the sun is too far away to be a significant source
of heat. Maybe a few measly degrees. The difference between night and day, say.
Not more.
Q. But how do you explain...
A. Shut up!
Q. Sorry.
A. It's an idiotic notion that the sun could be the source of heat for the earth
because the sun exists in the black void of space which is very cold. That's why
those guys who do the space walks have to wear those funny suits. Otherwise they'd
freeze to death. Get it?
Q, Yes, sir, but...
A. Are you here to listen and learn or to keep interrupting me?
Q. Sorry.
A. Now, the thing that warms the earth is the hot stuff at its core. That's why
I titled my report, "Hot Stuff At The Core of the Earth Makes It Warm."
Q. I see.
A. Listen, smart guy, you ever heard of volcanoes?
Q. Yes.
A. And what comes out of volcanoes?
Q. Hot stuff?
A. Exactly! Hot stuff! Stuff that warms the earth. The continents are only 50
miles thick, but the earth's radius is 4000 miles. That's 3950 miles of hot stuff.
So the earth is basically all hot stuff, so nothing needs to "warm"
it. Plus we're not just talking about those pesky little volcanoes you can see.
The oceans are full of volcanoes. Great long ridges of them, thousands of miles
long, constantly oozing hot stuff.
Q. But..
A. Shut up.
Q. Sorry.
A. Now you're going to ask about the North and South Poles, right?
Q. Well...
A. Shut up. The reason they're cold is they are the farthest away from the hot
stuff, see? The deep sea ridges are centered on the equator, dummy. The earth
is cracked in the middle, not at the top and bottom. Everybody knows that.
Q. Well...
A. Shut up.
Q. What about global warming?
A. Too much hot stuff. It warms the atmosphere because of all the volcanic activity,
thereby causing an enormous amount of hot air. The methods of seismic imaging
map the large-scale pattern of the earth and even the convective flow itself can
be revealed by seismic anisotropy. The pattern of velocity anomalies -- too much
hot stuff -- in the mantle is reminiscent of the position of ancient plate boundaries,
which are often determined paleogeomagnetically. On a longer time-scale, our views
of hot stuff circulation are related to our ability to reconstruct the surface
plates motions and in interpreting the geochemical message. This message bears
a time-integrated view of mass fluxes convolved by the mixing properties of hot
stuff convection. The improvement in the realism of convection codes helps in
understanding the physics of the characteristic features of mantle circulation,
slabs and hotspots. Including global warming. See? It's very simple.
Q. But...
A. Shut up!
And
there you have it, a remarkable, breakthrough theory that is supported by the
undeniable fact that there is, indeed, "hot stuff" at the earth's core
and when volcanoes erupt, the "hot stuff" actually comes out.
